MIA

I know I’ve been MIA, but here’s the thing, I don’t really have anything to report.

But, maybe that’s the thing, I should be reporting. Maybe that’s the point.

Boyfriend and I are spending almost every day and night together. (Well, if the day is spent together, then so is the night.) I’m in serious like. First healthy, mature adult relationship I’ve ever been in. Sad that it didn’t happen until I was 35, but at the same time, 35 is better than 36, or never at all.

He and I are able to share, express, say, do, and just be. It’s wonderful. Technically the nine months of intense therapy I received was free. Technically that “free” therapy cost me 50 grand.

It was worth every penny. Without it I wouldn’t be where I am today. I am happy. I am calm. My emotions and rational, my thought process is rational, mature, and it speaks softly.

Much better than screaming and racing thoughts. Much better.

We are comfortable.

It’s wonderful.

I sleep better at his house than in my own.

On the job front: I am (will soon be) working three part time jobs. Things are coming up, but things are also falling through.

I am broke. Broke. I have $24 to last me the next two weeks. Boyfriend lives 25 miles away. So, that money will go into my gas tank. Not because I feel all my money should be going towards gas, but because after bills, gas it my only luxury.

(And the only reason I have $24 is because I made $16.85 from my parents by taking back cans and bottles. Thank god my family drinks a lot.)

So, even though I am poor, have no full-time job prospects, am living at home without the prospect of moving out anytime soon; I am happier and more comfortable and content than I have been in years….years. Probably a decade. And it’s wonderful.

a little bit of this, a little bit of that

Oy. How is it July already?

Well, hopefully you all had a wonderful Fourth. Mine, the typical family hilarity and drunken debauchery: water balloon launcher (which, after many years of use, finally broke this year.) bingo, with prizes, and lots and lots of alcohol. The potato gun did not make an appearance this year.  I did make a shit-ton of jell-o shots, however. I am pretty sure I drank the majority of those shots.

I also drank over two bottles of wine.

I was feeling pretty good.

Oh, and while shooting off water balloons across the street, I broke two windows in the vacant building. Oops.

Everyone was surprised to see me emerge from my room bright and early Sunday morning. Apparently, I may have drank more than I thought I had.

Odd, other than being dehydrated, I felt fine. (old habits.)

Yesterday was so damn gorgeous outside that I went for two walks. Yes, it was a beautiful day, but more importantly, I wanted to walk off the four pounds of alcohol bloat I had gained in one day. Blech.

On the weight loss front: I have lost 11 pounds since arriving back home. I have nine more to go to lose all of the grad school weight gain. Amazing the difference what a decreased stress level can make.

Boyfriend arrives back today (he went home for the holiday and his birthday), we are both super excited about this (that we get to see each other.)  Yay.

Still looking for more permanent work. Still nothing out there. Today with my tutoring appointments, I should have made $32. I will make $12. Yeah, rewarding work, but not the most reliable or best guarantee that the bills will be paid on time. Full-ish time work starts at the end of this month. I am enjoying the reprieve while I have one.

a new sense of calm

I really do not have anything new to report, just felt the need to post something.

Crap, is today Thursday? (check calendar) No. Shew. I did not miss another Inner Dorking. Thank goodness.

Today I am working my old job at FPE, as the desk girl wanted today off. Funny how it all came back to me. My “phone voice” and the overused, well-rehearsed phrases said over and over and over and over again, two years later, and it’s as if I never left.

There’s comfort in being home.

On a romantic front (and I know this is cheesy, but again, ridiculously happy) I am a girlfriend for the first time in over two years. Yep. This Reformed Party Girl was asked to be a girlfriend.

Ahhhhhh. (sigh.)

Basically, I feel that all of the hard-work I put in with therapy is paying off. My guard is down. If I have a thought or a feeling, an emotion, it is being expressed. Walls are crumbling, and it feels really good. I’ve also asked him to tell me if I am shutting down, or if I seem to be putting a wall-up, to call me on it. I’ve spent 34 years doing it wrong; I’m ready to see what it feels like to do something right.

I’ve met all of his friends/co-workers. His family lives out of state. He wants to know when he can meet my family; In about a week. (Last time someone met the family; over 10 years ago.)

In the past three weeks (yes, it has been a short amount of time. However, after spending the night at his place numerous times, last night was the first time we had sex; so, there is no sex haze at work.) (ah, therapy.) (we both wanted to make sure about the other one.) (That he wasn’t an ass and that I wasn’t crazy.) Anyway, in the past three weeks, we have seen each other almost everyday. The only reason it hasn’t been everyday, is because we both agreed we need some perspective. (Ah, maturity.) And every morning when I say goodbye, he asks when he can see me again.

Yeah.

I know.

We are that couple. The one that makes you want to puke, but you secretly envy.

I’ve always wanted to be that couple. To know that it was real. To have the feelings, and not have two of those feelings be drama or trauma.

It’s really, really nice.

And for once, I am not waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’m just enjoying the journey and the sleep deprivation.

…and that’s why networking is so important

Okay, so this past week, after resigning from the potential new job gig, I ran into an former instructor at FPE. She asked how school was going, “Great, because I’m finished.”

“Where are you working?”

“I’m not, so if you know of anything…”

Her eyes lit-up and she said, “you know, I may have something. Give me your phone number.”

Sure enough, by the next day, I was offered a job at FPE. It’s a thousand hour position, no benefits, but the pay is more than I’ve made in years, and I will be working at a place I know and love.

The next day, I went into talk to my former boss to put a bug in her ear about any possible job opening. Her eyes lit-up and she said, “I need someone in the writing lab on Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays from 8-10…and maybe in the evenings Monday-Thursday. Can you get me a copy of your transcripts and a job application?”

“Sure can. You will have both my tomorrow.”

This gig is not set in stone, but if it works out, I can work both jobs and the writing lab pays ridiculously well. I could also see that she had the wheels in her head turning to see if there were any other possible openings around FPE.

The writing lab would not start until the fall, and the thousand hour job does not start until the end of July, but still, it’s something, and I am very thankful for that.

On another front, I have met a very wonderful man and we are spending almost every free second we have, together. It’s been pure bliss. Absolute pure smiling bliss. (and I catch myself biting my lower lip when I drift off in my thoughts thinking about him.) I feel really, really good about him. Really good. Very happy.

So, I’ve been home for about a month, and I would say things are coming together quiet nicely.

It’s about f’in time.

okay, let’s try this one more time…

Yeah. Something tells me this will be ongoing for sometime.

What will be on going? The full-time job search.

I just turned in my resignation for the new job gig.

A resignation for a job that I had not (technically) started as of today. (I was hoping to start last week.) (They were hoping that I would have hours by the end of this week) (Hoping.)

Why did I resign? Cause I really, really, really did not want to do in-home care.

And, since I was a private contractor and not an employee, I was only paid for time that I met with my participants.  So far I had “given” the company 10 hours of my time, which I was not paid for. Me no likey. Not to mention gas evaporation from my car’s tank.

I still had no idea what I was going to be paid.

I had to pay for a CPR and first aid class out of my own pocket, which is fine; but $50 is a lot of money to me at the moment.

I told them I wanted to work 10-6; I would be willing to go as late as 8, but did not want to work any later than that.

I was scheduled until 9pm three nights a week. This meant that three days a week I would be working from 8 a.m. until 9 p.m.

There’s more, but those are the main gripes.

So. I am still tutoring (and my student made me a handmade card over the weekend that was so sweet and lovely about how much I meant to her. Ah…)

I have picked-up a few hours proctoring (sitting in a room watching over students to ensure they do not cheat. Typically only a few hours, but pays big buckarooos.) and while at FPE, I have asked several people if they know of anything. After running into an instructor this morning, she asked how school was going. I stated great, because I am finished, told her I needed a job and to please keep her ears open for me. Her eyes lit-up and she stated that she might have some part-time work for me at FPE. (!!!)

So. My goal of moving out of my old bedroom by the end of the summer, yeah, probably not going to happen. However, I’m not all that shocked. Just disappointed. Again, I know there are people out there who are far, far worse off than I am. So, I am thankful that I am surrounded by good people, good friends, and that my former co-workers still love and adore me and are willing to help me out. Yay! for that.

old habits, new priorities

Okay, tonight (this afternoon) is my orientation with New Job Gig. I am being glass half-full that I will find out and have a schedule tonight. I think this is being incredibly overly optimistic.

However, I am planning to tell them that I am available from 8-6 M-F and Saturday 8-12. However, I would like (prefer) a 10-6 schedule so that I can still continue to tutor at FPE.

I would like to continue tutoring because: I like my student. She shows up, she’s prepared, she does her homework. Small things, which are essential and which keep me from having to lecture her versus my other students who do not show-up (which means I do not get paid. Me like being reimbursed for my time) or, have the same courtesy or school homework ethic.

Two, it would be a nice addition of cash. Not a huge (or even large) sum by any means, but every dollar counts at this point.

Three, I was told by my former co-workers that I still need to be seen and that they still want to see me on a regular basis (ah, warm fuzzies.) I told them that I still want to be seen.

So.

The old habit of working more than one job, is back (ah, how quickly old habits reappear no matter the lecture I give myself.) However, I have new priorities. That new priority is me. I am not going to kill myself, stress myself, or wear myself out, and I will do my damnedest to get 8 hours of sleep a night.

So, there.

Again, not to complain, but gosh, I hate not having a schedule. Here’s why: it’s really hard to plan get-togethers, outings, dates with friends, and such because if they ask me on Monday if I can do something on Thursday, my response is, “I would love to! (pause) However, as of right now I am free to do XYZ on Thursday, but that might change by Thursday.”

There are bigger and far worse problems to have.

Even though I am cash-free and jobless (basically) at the moment, I am managing to keep the social calendar and outs and abouts flowing freely. I am just very aware that I actually need to stick to my two drink minimum (suck) and going for walks is about all I can afford. And I am hoping that being asked out on a dinner date means he will be forking out the cash, even though I will offer to pay my share. (Let’s hope the appearance of my wallet brings the phrase, “No, I’ve got this.) (Yes, I can be that girl.) (I am not ashamed, just broke.) (He knows this.) (That I am broke, not that I am that girl.) But, it allows me to see and be seen, and hey, that’s all that really matters, right?

Inner dork: deaf culture

Yay! Not only is Inner Dork still around, but I actually remembered that today is Thursday and it’s Inner Dork day! It IS a big day!

Did you know…

Until roughly 100 years ago almost all the people who lived on Martha’s Vineyard were bilingual in sign language and English. The town developed their own dialect of sign language when a deaf person arrived in 1692. Between then and 1910 the relatively large, genetically deaf population, and most other inhabitants, recognized and could use their own particular sign language.

…and now you know!

An angel gets their wings

So, when I left Former Place of Employment to go off to grad school, I had a pretty good idea that I was well liked.

However, upon returning to FPE after finishing my grad studies and being in-between gigs, I have discovered that I really mattered here. I have seen how many lives I’ve touched, and my belief that one person can and does make a difference has been reinforced.

Perhaps that sounds a bit self-righteous or a bit self-involved, and I certainly do not mean for it to come off as such. However, I wish everyone could have a “It’s a Wonderful Life” moment because too many of us feel, think, believe that we don’t matter in this world, that no one would care if we weren’t around.

Personally, I think all of us make a difference to somebody, somewhere we are just perhaps unaware of the hand-print they, we, left on their heart.

I’m seeing and witnessing my hand-prints. It’s pretty cool.

 

P.S. I landed the gig. Orientation is on Monday. I am positive there is a reason this gig has landed in my lap, has been brought my way. I’m eager to see the reasons why.

just askin’

Has it become standard practice now to become “friends” on facebook with someone you are interested in and met on a dating site,  yet have never met?

Has the Internet completely taken over our social lives?

….have I fallen completely out of the loop?

I believe I have.

too much time on my hands

Okay, so,  I am essentially unemployed. I am tutoring at former place of employment. Buuuut, I have four students. For a total of 8 hours a  week. At 8 dollars an hour. Eight dollars is better than zero dollars, buuuuut so far, I have made $32. That would be gross, not net, and that would be for three days of tutoring. That money will not be burning a hole in my pocket anytime soon-ish. And only two of the four students have managed to make it to their appointments, so, yeah. (And yes, I know there are many, many people who would love to be getting $8/hour and have $32 right about now. Trust me, I know how lucky I am.)

Basically, I spend my day sitting at former place of employment being loved, admired, and adored by everyone who has missed me. It’s a tough gig, but I am more than happy to be in that gig. Oh, I also spend my day reading, searching all job sites, and typing this here blog. I am not complaining one bit about this free time. (No, really, I’m not.) It’s just very unusual for me. I mean, jinkies, this is the gal who worked six jobs at one time, while in school, was always in school, and whose friends had to schedule anytime with me far in advance and around my schedule. Basically and generally I was being run ragged. I no longer am. Me likey this. Me is just not used to this at all. Brain/body is having a hard time adjusting. I am my body will adjust soon-ish and with relative grace.

Tomorrow is my second interview with the agency that works with special needs persons. My understanding is that it will be a dual role of in-home care and office work. A dual role is very much what I am looking for. However, in-home care, is not what I am looking for. Although I have several years of experience working with special needs persons, it has been in an academic setting, not an in-home setting. I’m not trained for this, and frankly, I don’t want to be trained for it. I don’t have the money, the umph, or the want-to do any more training/schooling at this time, and it’s not what I want to do with my life.

However, if it is required, of course I will fulfill the requirements. Why? Because I’m not really in a position to be picky. Or choosy. Or anything. So.

Oh, and according to my friend (who I had not seen/spoken to in 17 years, who I had about three too many martinis with on Friday, who referred me to the agency, thanks, Facedbook) I already have the gig. Apparently my resume is uber impressive and they liked me over the phone. So. It pays the bare minimum I needed it to pay. I was too drunk to recall what she said about benefits. But, gee golly gosh, benefits would be nice. I have been sans health coverage for 10 years. Sad, but very true.

(And to those of you who I may or may not have (and it was definitely may have) drunk dialed and/or drunk texted on Friday, my apologies. Very out of character of me. Very embarrassing. And very difficult to do. Drunk texting takes skill. Skills I am suprised I had by that time and by that martini.

Anyway, interview for the job I have apparently already landed is at 8:30 tomorrow (Tuesday) wish me luck. Wish that it pays more that what my friend told me. Wish that it has good, but cheap benefits. Wish that it is something to keep me occupied for three months, or until I find something else.